omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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