When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
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those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
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You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax