Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
