well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Mom said you looked used
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
