the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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