im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
