i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
