I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i now understand why vodka
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
