I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
