I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
