how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
