Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
