You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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