So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
