Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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