Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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