I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Randomize
