Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
