The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
