Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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