Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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