I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
A+ Viking dick
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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