I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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