Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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