i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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