Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The ass gains better be worth it
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