last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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