That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
