Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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