I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
