I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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