I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
