my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
