Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
