went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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