I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
