Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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