I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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