the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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