mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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