I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
His hands were made for my vagina.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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