sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
50% drunk capacity currently
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
