all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
