My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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