my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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