Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
