My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
