i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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