I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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