the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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