I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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