I puked a lego.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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