I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
