I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
