Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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