Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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